A Poem Called "From Visible to Invisible"

From Visible to Invisible,

theamazinJ

I am visible.
I am invisible.
No one really cares.
No one cares about what my ideas, thoughts, and teachings are.
Everyone around me is selfish.
Everyone only cares about what affects them for me.
And, only cares about themselves and what affects them.
They really don't care about  disability rights,
they have no opinions for the goodness of disability justice.
Everyone has their voice, and I am silenced.
Everyone has their ideas, ignoring my own.
Everyone has their talents, as I am the garbage to them.
From visible as a physical being to Invisibility from humanity.
No one cares.
No one gives a damn.
Everyone only cares for me to live under their conditions of humanity.
No one cares,
No one gives a damn,
I am visible but am invisible.
I am told I am stupid.
I am told I am pathetic.
I am told I am an idiot.
I am told I am unintelligent.
I am told I am brainless.
I am told sometimes I am r&^*%^(^d.
It is painful.
It is bloody hurtful bleeding out of my veins.
It is deeply painful and makes me want to cringe into a hole.
I just feel like the blood just drips and drips until it is dried out.
Visibility is important without others making us invisible.
I am a fighter.
I fight till my voice is heard.
I fight till my ideas are recognized.
I fight to show how intelligent I am.
My ideas are a part of me.
My art makes me feel great.
My creativeness makes feel happy and pure.
My story didn't end until my voice is heard, until it is recognized.
My story does not end until people know the hard work I do.
My story fights for disability justice.
My story fights for everyone.
My story fights to listen to people without the common eugenics ideas.
Listening to the idea to know that everyone matters.
Listening to the idea that everyone cares
and if they don't it's treason.
Listening to the idea that my life matters as much as others do.
Listening to the idea that I am no one's slave in their own mind.
Listening to the idea that being enslaved is also being enslaved in everyone's minds.
I am the person who matters.
I am the person with my own mind no matter what.
I am the person with empathy and care.
I am the person who will fight the social construction condition you only care about.
I am a person from Invisible to Visible.
I am free. I don't care what you have to say. I have a voice and it matters.

A poem Called "Bilingual"

Bilingual,

by theamazinJ

It takes effort,

It takes hard work,

living with an operating system different than yours,

living in the community,

without realizing what to do is right

and what to do is wrong.

Living with an operating system 

where I need to be bilingual 

and live in a world of a different system

of a different language

and of a different way to operate.

Everyone lives with their mind.

Everyone lives with the mind that they have.

Minds work differently.

Minds need to learn to pass physically.

Minds call their own names given by our parents.

Minds experience things differently in the physical world.

Minds learning different languages of thought, beliefs, and ideas.

Minds learning to effectively translate words and ideas.
When one person's language is different,
another is trying to translate it.
speaking means trial and errors.
voicing what we want
even with a different operating system,
even with a different language,
even with a different way of viewing the world,
because autistic or not, disabled or without known disability
only articulates humor, only articulates humility,
and only articulates the grammar of who we are.
Bilingual or not,
we are of different operating systems,
from mac to windows
or from autistic or neurodivergence to neurotypical constructions,
from human to human to human,
we are different, but we are human.
Being human means,
being able to interact with any other person,
it means being able to help others when they ask for help,
it means being deserving of things we want for who we are,
it means being interdependent,
it means respecting the people who brought us into this world,
it means falling for love without hating,
it means learning to let go of things that don't matter,
remaining the things that have always mattered,
it means knowing who really cares and who really doesn't.
Without the paining moment of suffering,
and remembering life, liberty, and the interdependence while in the community
because in many respects,
disability does not deserve anyone, but it gets everyone at any point in their life,
it can make people aphasic, it can make people seem emotionally out of control,
it can make people use a wheelchair, it can make people use a cane,
it has the comprehension to make things incomprehensible and incoherent or even irrational,
and not only that disability can make anyone feel down until they come out,
regardless of what differences the individual has or what kinds of setbacks it creates,
or how the glass is always ready for a drink until the final drop
which is just as breathtaking as the first sip.
Life journeys through adventures to grow every day
into what we want to be, and journey to the other side of wonder.
The only one to make a person happy is when they decide to open the door
of the closet instead of hiding away without even enjoying life,
we can be lingual into ourselves, or we can be bilingual with the world.

A Poem Called "Token"

A Poem Called "Token"

I am me.

I am not your token.

I am not anyone's puppet.

I am not your way to live under your conditions.

I am not passing for your social constructions.

I am myself.

I have my own mind.

I have my own talents.

I am a disabled person.

I am an activist.

I am a filmmaker.

I am a poet.

I am not you.

I am a scholar.

I am a changemaker.

I am being the thoughts that come out of my own mind.

I am my own higher mind.

I read every day many books and articles.

I have passion to change the world's current perceptions of disability.

Token, I am not satisfying you to be something I am not.

Token, I am not fitting in as something you want.

Token, is what you are, but I am not.

I pass for myself.

I pass so you need to accept.

I pass for furthering the goals of my life.

I pass to be who I am, not you, or you, or you.

I hope you can understand.

I hope you  can accept me.

I hope you understand my goals to being what I want.

My goals are not to accept what you want from me.

My goals are to be supported by you and you and you  and you.

I have my own visions.

I am rising to the top.

I am forthcoming my energy to make the best of me.

I need support you.

I have a network of people who like me, love me.

I have a network of people who understand.

My films are great.

My new film ideas are forthcoming

based on what I read and the world around me.

I have my own way of doing things.

Passing is a masquerade everyone gets to choose what they want 

and what they want the world to remember them by.

Some choose to pass for what other people want,

while others pass for what they are originally.

As an Autistic and Neurodivergent person,

I pass for me. I pass for me everyday. I pass for me all the time.

Passing is you. Passing is me. Passing has different choices.

What you want to pass for, I pass for what I want to as.

We cannot tokenize each other or anyone

to pass for the other, to pass for something you want,

or to pass for something else other than what we are.

Passing is genuine to the person.

passing is a masquerade individual to everyone.

and, passing is what everyone wants,

from passing as disabled, to passing as neurotypical, to passing as non-disabled,

passing can be misleading when everyone has their own neurodivergences,

their own psychiatric, neurological, and cognitive disabilities.

when everyone has what it takes when they are born,

when everyone grows differently,

and when everyone lives their life the way they want to.

People will understand in due time.

People will accept themselves.

People will open their minds.

People will live everyday with what they want.

Advocacy for being true to yourself,

sometimes makes people uncomfortable,

sometimes makes people angry,

and in the end, makes people think and process

that everyone can pass for their own,

as masquerade or ball showing the world 

who they are, and what they can do, and why they need support.

This is it. This is me. and This is everything in between.

Amen. Thank you. And listen to yourself.

A Poem called "Slammed"

Slammed,

You slammed me,
just for your own benefit,
you hurt me,
just so you can continue the story of your social construction,
SLAM!
I feel hurt,
SLAM!
I am bleeding,
SLAM!
I am CUT!
I am hurting, bleeding, and having trouble scarring the blood,
Whatever you say,
Whatever you do,
Whatever is said by you,
I try to say what I have to say,
I try to say what I want to say,
I try to say what I know,
I try to say what I learn everyday,
I try to dispute your social construction,
but I am SLAMMED,
I am hurt,
I am bleeding,
I cannot fathom what else to do,
I cannot continue what you want me to do
so I can live the rest of my days with you.
How dare you?
How dare you?
How dare you?
SLAM!
I am bleeding.
SLAM!
I am knocked down to the ground.
SLAM!
I am crawling on my knees
trying to find a place to heal.
SLAM, SLAM, SLAMMED!
I feel hurt.
I feel disrespected.
I feel as though I cannot live my life with you.
I feel tortured by this social construction
that seems to not be as real as you want it to be.
SLAM!
I know everyone likes me and I know how everyone feels about me,
SLAM!
I am not sure what else to do to show you this.
Urging myself to let it go,
urging myself to continue what I want to do.
Urging myself to be the selfless person I am.
Urging myself to ignore your lies.
Urging myself to just not listen to that social construction.
I know who I am.
I am very aware of what I want in my life.
I am very aware of things I need for myself.
and, most importantly,
I am very aware of the people around me who like me.
I just don't like your lies.
I just don't like what social construction conditions you want me to live in for you.
I am a good, humble, and open minded person.
I learn a lot every day.
Do I accept what you try to say?
Do I accept all of this from you?
Do I think you are not understanding me? Yes.
I hope one day you finally understand me.
I hope one day you finally get me.
I hope one day you  stop this social construction.
and, I hope one day I can live my life with you
without these types of social construction conditions.
Thank you.

A poem called "A Different Normal, A Normal different me, Different Kinds of Relationships"

 A Different Normal, A Normal different me, Different Kinds of Relationships,

by theamazinJ

Thinking of you, me,
Thinking of what ‘special needs’ that really aren’t special because they are just our needs,
thinking like you think I can do things that are very hard for me,
and thinking you think I can’t do things that are easy for me,
I have a lot of energy, but I am disabled.
I am able, yes, but I am also disabled.
Disability is part of the human experience and everyone needs to embrace their life and love everyone every day regardless
because at any point, life can be over, or we can become disabled or more disabled even…
I can become more disabled any day like you can become disabled at any time.
and you will still see and think I can do things all the time even though I am disabled.

Normal is different, normal is fake, normal is unreal,

I am disabled, and pushed to the brink of my energy, my time, and my limits,

even when my spoons are low or my lifely body portrays you to think of what you think,
You tell me to use my spoons wisely, so as not to burnout,
you tell me to work on things of what you want me to work on,
when I am who I am, even with what I can do and can't do all the time,
even with being able to do anything at any time I am able to do it,
I can't do anything everything everyday, but I can do anything at my time.
I noticed I do things when my feeling to do the thing
I want to do is when I have the spoons to do it
and decide to focus on that thing I want to perfect or just want to do or just need something to do to feel good,
Disability is a thing, it exists, and we have to accept
the things we do, things we don't do, and things we have the spoons for to do the thing we are doing,
I am different, yes, and most importantly, I am disabled and able,
I able to do things on my time, when I am ready, and when I have ambition, and when I have determination to do it,
My normal is different from you, different to you, and very potent to my life,
I can do, I do need support, but I don't need you to tell me or what you think I can and can't do,
Support is different because support is helping someone like me achieve self-determination of what I want to do, of what I need to do, when I am ready to do it,
Support is giving me the time to live on my own in my own living area with my own things and seeing you when I we have time for each other,
Support is giving me the opportunity to do what I want and what I choose for myself and supporting me while doing it,
even when I am writing something on my own, even when I am doing art, even when I am creating film, even when I am reading on my own, or even when I just need space,
Support is giving not what you think, it is not giving me love when you think you want to give it, but reading me well enough to know when I want it,
Support is giving you love when I feel you want it,
Support is not telling me rather just giving me the opportunity to talk about certain things that are hard for me to talk about,
Support is not telling me, and thinking I just don't know and am told, and support is being included in conversations about me,
Support is great when I am supported and not told, supported and loved, supported and can talk to you about things that are hard for me to make it easier,
support is when my anxiety is eased because I don't feel pressured, I don't feel told, and I am feeling in control,
I love my support regardless who you are,
I need support in certain areas just the way anyone else needs support in those areas, so just give me a chance to tell you what support I need and when I need it,
and I will listen and know when and who can support at the time,
Being told is not a good feeling, being told makes me feel out of control, being told I can't connect with everyone is limiting me, being told is being out of control,
I need your support and finally understanding,
I need your support so that I don't walk away in pain when I feel you don't understand and am low on spoonful energy, and need time to reconvene myself to you, or even when I feel hurt,
even when you don't understand why I am walking away even for a day or even sometimes longer than that,
It does not mean I don't love you, and it does not mean I don't care, it just means I need time because of the way you approach me or the way you understand things about me makes me cringe,
I need your support so that you know the love we give to each other when we all need love,
I need your support.
I know I left you at times, some longer than others, but I need your support, not your telling me, and not your ridiculing me, with easing on sarcasm, and definitely not your abrading me as if I feel like a nothing,
I am a person too even though I am disabled, even with being autistic, or even with my anxiety, or even with my sensory system, or even with my way of understanding the world,
or even with my way of feeling for you,
because I love you, I love all of you,
I love the way everyone loves me.
I am grateful for the love for me.
Support is when my life is not empty, and I have someone to go to talk with about something may be hard to handle at the moment
ultimately giving me the power to make my decision as the decision maker in my life.
I have services that give me my support workers, that give me my broker, that give me an agency too, that give me someone looking over my money I get for my services,
but that does not mean I need to be told, I just have a team of whoever wants to support me any time I need it and give me the time.
I love you, I love everyone because I am loved by all, loved by everyone.
I left you for a reason that left me needing my space away to have enough spoons to deal with you and think about ways you can better support me,
I needed this because you seemed to not understand, you seemed to think you knew everything even without listening to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas, my creativeness,
and my learning about history and knowing how I feel and what I believe to make the world a better place,
You may not understand how I want to make a better place, you may not understand my art, but I do understand and have a sense of what I want.
While I left you because I felt like everyone left me in the dust without any support without any kind of things I owned before and needed to go back to the family who I needed space from at the time I walked away with you who tried to help me at the time
so I can get my spoonful energy back and reconvene myself to the world,
I know I hurt many people, I know I hurt by not talking that much to first the family in my life, and being silent to all a way long time,
I know I triggered everyone from either leaving without letting anyone know to triggering in many other ways,
when it comes to triggers, we can love and be loved, but there needs to be communication in every relationship especially when communication gives and creates agreements of supported decision making within those relationships I choose to have agreements with,
between me and the people I choose in my life for support and what kinds of things I need for support even as a disabled person with being autistic.
Having support from people means my anxiety is low, means I am in control of what I want regardless, and means everyone understands me, and understands what makes me tick and what doesn't.
And with that being said, even with bleeding love coming from our veins, it just pushes us closer to the support we all need in our lives.
I hope you understand,
I hope you know I love you,
I hope you know what support really is.
And, most importantly, I hope you know how much I love...

And here is a song by Leona Lewis:

<iframe src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/3rIs2S2WH7M" width="560" height="315" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen"></iframe>

And Chasing Cars:

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XaKr98ktoxU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Is it Worth the Frustration to be nOrMAL,

by theamazinJ

Normal 
             nORMAl
    NORmal
                       norMAL
        NORMAL!
I feel the frustration,
     is it normal?
   Is it supposed to be passing for norMAL?
                WHAT IS dammmit, NORMAL?
Normal is...
difficult,
NORMAL is...
frustrating,
NORmal is...
OMG!
NORMAL is...
OMG...I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!
NORmal is...
Oh my goodness, OMG, Oh my GOD!
NORMAL, what can I say?
NORMAL, it is hard
It's like very few can pass for it,
yet MANY embrace it.
It's so very stimulating or in this case, 
TRigGERRing to have to pass for norMAL!~~~

NORMAL IS...
hurtful,
especially when I am not NoRMAL,
including my friends who are not NORmal either,
or even whenever I walk down a street
I see MANY struggling to be NorMAl,
NORMAL is a social construction,
it is passing for...
what America wants,
it is passing for...
being non-disabled or NON-NEURODIVERGENT,
also, when EVERYONE is born NEURODIVERGENT, 
but only PASS for NORMAL 
and embrace NORMALITY
only to 
        ACCEPT NORMALITY
      AND
 Oppress The MANY citizens out there who CANNOT,
especially when 
   you are NEUROQUEER,
  OR even when
      you are not one of the BINARY genders
 when gender is FLUID and is non-binary,
   NOT saying I am non-binary, I AM JUST OPEN-MINDED 
to everyone's gender differences and EVERYONE's iDeNTiES,
and the self-determination of being WHO WE ARE INDIVIDUALLY,
and being the person we are MEANT TO BE and ARE in this world.
                NOrMaL, what the heck is it,
when it's all about when WHITE MaLE Christians who created the damn word many years ago,
who wanted EVERYONE to conform to THEM,
and who WANTED everyone to be non-disabled, non-neurodivergent, and labelled by IQ.
AND, who also wanted EVERYONE to look, feel, and think the SAME way,
How NORMAL is that when SO many are different races, of different religions,
of different thinking types, of different emotional types,          of different FEeLIngs, 
      OF different concurrences acting at the SAME time,
   OR of different lapses of time splitting in their heads, 
and of different genders and differences in disability,
BECAUSE everyone can DO it, 
        NO one is IMMUNE to think differently,       WE are CREATIVE which is WHY normal was made,
which is why things are DiFFerent,
  but MORE importantly why WE all make MISTAKES especially with TRY(ING) to NORMALIZE America,
and in many CASES NORMALIZE the WHOLE WORLD, but        many CANNOT be NORMAL,
MANY cANNOt think NORMAL, many CANnot feel norMAL 
because NORMAL is painful especially when someone is disabled, 
especially painful when someone is NEURODIVERGENT
when being NeuroDiVERgent is not VERY embraced
and people want to accept NORMAL as the 'in' thing as the BRAINS and the one with IQ,
and neurodivergent as OUT, as the 'OTHER', and the one that is WEIRD or FREAK or INCOMPETENT or     
  STUPID or even the     re2379427d,
eVERyone is really neurOdivergent, but many seem to discount it, seem to disregard it, or even THINK SAMENESS is the 'in' thing,
when EVERYONE is really different,
everyone is really ...
      CREATIVE, emoTIONal, lEarnING all the time, brainy, INTELLIGENT, gaining WISDOM everyday, has their own WaY of doing things.
while everyone can ...
 BREAKDOwn, everyone can..
meltdown, 
everyone can...
      hit rockbottom to only rise to the TOP,
EVERYONE can...
                                            MAKE a MASTERPIECE    OR Make an invention     OR make a discovery from within themselves that CREATES connection 
and CREATES something with their MINDS even when it is just very small BECAUSE it really is VERY BIG for the world,
just like NORMAL was and just the way NORMAL was created 
ESPECIALLY when normal is destructive to a human being's personhood and just when normal can also construct certain elements of life,
because normal is paining and hurting MANY in this world 
our peers who are not of the binary genders like you or I,
our peers who are NEUROQUEER
our peers who are a(sexual) or even sexual,
OUR peers who are mixed race, or not of the same race as you or I,
OR the way me and my peers who believe in different religious or spiritual thinkings,
or how many citizens who are disabled, neurodivergent seem to experience the world differently
even when the disability and neurodivergence is autism,
or even when it is cerebral palsy, down syndrome, or many other different developmental disabilities 
because having developmental disability is NOT considered normal and is not considered intelligent and 
seems to always associate with judgement, always associates with stupidity and incompetence and not knowing what is right or what is wrong,
     Being developmentally disabled is 
           being more INTELLIGENT than peers who embrace normality can even fathom,
               its's being more FUN and comical than one can even think about,
                     AND, is being more empathic and CREATIVE at the same time than any other citizens can even feel and think,
Being developmentally disabled or even have psychiatric disability is a thing, but it does not have to mean the person has to be this normal...
             or has to abide by the rules that the leaders of normal created years ago,
    Being developmentally disabled and having psychiatric disability is part of being human,
It's a way that life sets us off, it's a way to experience the world, and it's a way of being intelligent differently,
since anyone of us can have psychiatric disability because it's part of human experiences,
and developmental disability is a thing that happens to many, but not all, as a way to know being human is IMPERFECT,
and being human is MORTAL, and being human, everyone will have different ways to express the genes of the human race,
        EVERYONE is GREAT, everyone is GOOD, and EVERYONE thinks different, and MOST importantly NORMAL was just a story or concept created but does not have to be embraced by anyone.
I am male, I am neurodivergent, I am autistiC, I am Jewish, I am spiritual, I am a artist, I am a beginning filmmaker, I am a scholar, I read many books and articles, I am a poet, 
I am a person of science, I am many identities, I always have my own mind,
and most importantly, 
I am J.

The Last Word, but Not the Least or the Last,

by theamazinJ

My words,
My words matter,
My mind,
My mind matters,
My mind is mine,
My mind is who I am,
My mind makes up my own thoughts,
I am may be criticized
I am may be told my thoughts are other people's,
I  use my thoughts to come up with original thoughts,
I have original ideas,
I have a future of beauty,
even when others may think:
I am unoriginal
That I am brainwashed by others,
that I am crazy with thoughts,
The Last Word I can say is:
I am pure
I am complex
I am hard to understand
I am intelligent
I am creative
I am original
I am an artist
I am a poet
I am a researcher
I am a activist
I am a advocate
I am a fondly amazing person,
and
most of all,
I am how I was supposed to be created,
I was born this way
to make a difference,
to help others understand
human reality and being,
to help others understand
who they are and
how to self-actualize,
and
most importantly,
I was born to make others great
and learn to forgive,
learn to empower myself,
learn to teach others to never give up,
and
most evidently,
teach everyone about how to be self-aware,
to be self-assuring,
and to be worthy of who they are
without the opinions of others
getting in the way,
but I was also here to
learn to believe,
believe in myself,
believe in others,
and to believe
in the world
that evolution changes
because of neurodiversity
because of celebration
and
because the world is:
changing constantly,
always re-examining the past,
and
Always always always
expressing how everyone feels
how the world feels,
and,
how the universe feels
so one day
the higher power
will say:
Welcome Welcome Welcome
to the universe beyond,
when we have:
all forgiven
all have let go
and
all have finally moved forward!